QUOTABLES FROM THE MARRIAGE REF – August 7, 2011; 10pm

Tom Papa: “Are you married? You are! And that’s your wife right there, with her hands still in your lap; that’s adorable. That normally only happens with dating people. But she’s still in love with you, how long have you been married? … 6-7 months, ah, that doesn’t even count. You shouldn’t even be allowed to say you’re married if it’s 6 or 7 months. You should be like, ‘we’re trying it.’”

Will.i.am: “I’m gonna get married eventually but…she’s got to be open minded to have, like you know, a three way relationship.”

Tom Papa: “He means music, everybody.”

Tom Papa: “How long have you been married?”

Judah Friedlander: “I just got divorced this morning.”

Ali Wentworth: “If my husband was playing fantasy football, I’d go do some fantasy shopping.”

Ali Wentworth: “What do you get at the end of fantasy football?”

Tom Papa: “You get a fantasy pile of money!”

Tom Papa: “Her saying ‘you like it, you like’ is like her saying ‘you idiot you idiot.’”

Tom Papa: “Has a waiter ever approached your table and said ‘we have a nice cabernet from North Carolina?”

Ali Wentworth: “Look at the three of us- a comedian, a high fashion lingerie model and a musician.”

9pm Episode Quotables

Tom Papa: “You should get married immediately. You get married- you win, she loses. She has to be with a man- that’s bad! That’s why we get married in the first place. We tried living with men ourselves- it’s awful! It’s bad! You get out of school, ‘I’m gonna live with my friends! It’s gonna be great! I’m not getting married!’ These are your friends- they steal your money, your booze, sleep with your women, it’s like living with pirates- it’s awful!” [Stand up]

Tom Papa: “On this show we have people fighting, then we ask celebrities to decide who’s right. Just like they do it at the Supreme Court.”

Rachel Dratch: “Seems to me like she might have a bit of, like, a hoarding problem, but she is the neatest hoarder I’ve ever seen.”

Tom Papa: “At what point do you throw out the ketchup bottle?”

Rachel Dratch: “I’ve never gone through a whole bottle- I think I have one from, like, ten years ago.”

Rachel Dratch: “He just doesn’t want them to eat cheese. It’s like, it seems like he grew up during, like, the ‘great cheese famine’ that we didn’t know about.”

Rachel Dratch: “I don’t want to say anything nice about her ‘cause I don’t want a thank you note.” [On a female contestant that writes too many thank you notes]

Joel McHale: “She’s gonna have to really pull one out of her hat to convince me she’s not out of her mind…” [On a female contestant]

Tom Papa: “If you’re gonna be a little nutty, why not be nice-nutty?”