Tom Papa: “You know the problem with fighting with your spouse is that usually you don’t have a third party to tell you who’s right. And when I say third party, of course I mean world famous celebrities.”

Jerry Seinfeld: “A lot of celebrities I think like to do everything backwards, they like to put the wedding at the end of the relationship. First they get pregnant, then they start dating, and then the last thing is the wedding and it’s over.”

Ricky Gervais: “It’s funny that she’s from Thailand and she calls it Thai food. Surely in Thailand it’s just called food. Isn’t it?”

Jerry Seinfeld: “As a Jewish person, I don’t like this…‘I’m from a Jewish background.’ You’re a Jew, there’s no background.”
Ricky Gervais: “There’s no background, you’re fore- you’re foreground. I nearly said foreskin but that would be ridiculous!”

Julianne Moore: “You married someone from Thailand, you knew her mother was in Thailand…”
Ricky Gervais: “Yes, he knew her mother was in Thailand! Exactly! ‘Where’s your mum? Thailand.’ Brilliant. That works great. ‘Where’s your mum? In the spare bedroom.’ No.”

Ricky Gervais: “I like the fact that she’s annoyed that he is a bit weird, right, but at the end of the day she’s jealous of a pumpkin. So who’s the loser really?”

Ricky Gervais: “She said it’s pumpkin porn? Oh hold on, what has she caught him doing?”

Ricky Gervais: “If you want to get his attention, just get fat and sit in the garden. Then he’s gonna come to mama!”
[In reference to Jamie Johnson’s pumpkin obsession.]

Ricky Gervais: “When you come back and she goes ‘oh what have you been doing?’ just say ‘I’ve been fighting bears…I’ve been stealing cars, getting drunk.’ He could be doing much worse stuff. I’ve got a list!”

Jerry Seinfeld sings: “I’m the pumpkin man, the pumpkin man” – to Ricky Gervais “What are you making that face for?”
Ricky Gervais: “Because you wrote Seinfeld, one of the greatest television shows of all time. You were my hero! I came on this show twice because Jerry Seinfeld asked me and now he’s a ‘pumpkin man!’”

Tom Papa: “Does your wife ever get tired of your jokes?”
Jerry Seinfeld: “Yeah she hates them. But I’m not gonna stop!”

Ricky Gervais: “I think that’s your job; you have to embarrass your children. That is your job…They’ve got nothing to rebel against. If you’re perfect they can’t live up to- that’s why I haven’t had kids, because they couldn’t possibly live up to me, really. It wouldn’t be fair.”

Source: NBC Press Release