Sarah Walker

The most memorable men are back to tell all about one of our most romantic and most talked about seasons yet.  A string of superlatives like that can only mean one thing - it’s the penultimate offering of The Bachelorette, with Chris Harrison at the helm.  Well, okay, it means two things - there will be lots and lots of previously seen footage.  And here it is now!  The first night:  Richard admits he was so nervous, he couldn’t even remember his first words to DeAnna until he watched the show back.  And we can hardly remember Richard.  Here’s the oyster farmer, recounting how nerve wracking it was when, upon meeting DeAnna, she immediately asked him to tell her “something funny.”  “I was like, okay, I’ll go home now.”  Slimy they may be, but an oyster will never put you on the spot like that.

The rehash finally ends and we’re back in the studio where Chris asks the guys a number of questions, each of which causes someone to harsh on Jeremy, even if the question seemed to have no relevance to him.  Then the producers supply rehash footage of the guys harshing on Jeremy to the camera as the show was unfolding.  Here’s Robert dubbing him Captain D-bag and comparing him to the title character of American Psycho.  Here’s Ryan the 28 Year Old Virgin cussing him out.  More footage, more bleeping.  All this within minutes of watching DeAnna gut him at the last rose ceremony and his agonizing limo confessions.  Yikes!  Who called open season on morose Texas attorneys?  And then, inexplicably, Ron - who had the biggest beef with the poor boy - tells Jeremy “Don’t be afraid to get back out there, man.  We want you to be in the group.”  Chris Harrison quips “They’re going to get T-shirts.”  Kumbayah.

Well this seems like a great time to pull Jeremy up to the ‘hot seat.’  I don’t have to tell you which rehash footage they dragged out to torture him with.  Yep, the tragic dugout scene, the tragic photo album session in Dallas and his ultra tragic dismissal at the last rose ceremony, which we just endured ten minutes ago.  And here’s poor Jeremy watching in the little inset screen, fighting back the tears.  Chris asks what happened; Jeremy still doesn’t really know.  He’s still shocked, and driving away in the limo was the toughest thing he ever had to do.  There’s a shot of a woman in the audience wiping away her own tears.  Jeremy tells Chris he has “tons of questions” for DeAnna but doesn’t know what he will allow himself to ask.  In fact, he doesn’t know what he wants to hear the answers to, doesn’t even know if he can look at her.  

Finally the unfortunate Jeremy is released from the spotlight; replacing him in the hot seat is Graham.  There is so much whistling and hollering from the overwhelmingly female audience that Chris remarks “It’s like a construction site out here.”  Graham asks Chris to “be gentle.”  Lots of rehash footage here, including Graham’s refusal to kiss DeAnna on the race car date, Ellen De Generes’ red flag comments to DeAnna about him and his own mother torpedoing him on the hometown date.  And of course the scene on the Bench of Sorrows when DeAnna sent him home because - everybody, all together now! - “he couldn’t open up.”  Previously unseen limo footage has Graham confessing that he “wants more than anything to fall in love with someone and wanted it to be her.”  We return to a pin-drop quiet studio; Chris asks “If you wanted it to be her, than why wasn’t it?”  Graham defensively replies “I was opening up a lot more than the people here will ever know, and she was always saying that I wasn’t opening up, that I wasn’t doing enough and I was.  And I honestly in my heart wanted her to say we are not doing what we need to do to cultivate a relationship.  I felt like that was unfair to me.  I made a lot of effort for her, and in the end it just wasn’t enough.”

Chris notes that Graham “always took the chance to step back,” referencing his refusal to kiss DeAnna when she begged him to.  Graham responds that he “was honestly trying to make a statement.”  Chris - quite the wit tonight - replies “I’ve been married for a long time; that’s not the time to make a statement.”  Audience laughter.  “If a woman asks you to kiss her, kiss her and then make a statement.  There’s plenty of time for statements.  That’s not the time.”  This brings crashing applause from the female audience.  Chris then brings up Ellen’s comments about him.  Not to be outdone in wittiness, Graham replies “I’m more of a Jimmy Kimmel fan myself - I’m not gonna lie.”  There is more chitchat about Graham and his communication difficulties - didn’t we just cover this?  More defensiveness on Graham’s part.  Nothing more worth mentioning and we go to audience questions.

“What did your letter say?” asks a woman who fully understands that as soon as you go on reality TV, your personal life becomes the property of the world.  Graham responds “I put in that letter how I felt about her and the last week of our relationship, and if she read it, I think knowing me as well as she does that it meant the world to her that I would tell her some of the things that were in that letter.”  Too little, too late and you’re in the history books, Graham.  Chris confirms this with “I think we’ve just about got you figured out” by way of an exit.  

Chris welcomes DeAnna herself to the hot seat.  She goes on about how hard it was to watch backstage and see that some of the guys are still upset.  She’s been there, she knows what it’s like; she’s cried herself to sleep; it still breaks her heart to watch it back.  She seems sincere, but enough already.  Chris points out that if DeAnna were to pick “two guys out of the gate” it would probably be Jeremy and Graham, and people (the two of them, mostly) are surprised they are sitting here tonight.”  Chris tells Jeremy “this is an opportunity to speak to DeAnna.”  Jeremy asks “When did you know I was not the one for you, because you gave me the Fantasy Suite card and spent the night with me.”  DeAnna replies “When I’m with any of you guys, I’m thinking only about you, and it wasn’t until I got on a date with Jason, and a date with Jesse, and realized that I was already in love with them.”  “Ouch!” is Jeremy’s response.  DeAnna continues “I’m sorry it’s harsh, I’m sorry - you were everything that I said I wanted on paper and as it got further and everything progressed, something in my heart didn’t.  And I think maybe because I wanted to end up with you so bad, because everything would have been perfect, my life would have been perfect, I think I wanted there to be something there so badly.”  Jeremy then utters something that was unintelligible to me after several replays.  My best guess is that he said “The next time I hear a girl describe me as ‘perfect’, I’m taking off running.”

Next, Graham is afforded his opportunity for uncomfortable confrontation.  Chris asks DeAnna “In the end, what happened with you two, because he definitely didn’t explain it.”  DeAnna replies that Graham was “always that guy that I couldn’t have, and he never fully opened up.”  Chris says “You heard his explanation for that; are you good with that now?”  “No” is her retort; and turning to Graham “We’ve all seen the episode where you leave; I was second guessing my decision, but I don’t feel like that now.  Everything happens for a reason.”  This draws gasps and looks of shock from the audience.  Chris interjects that “Graham said he was fully opening up.”  DeAnna: “I don’t agree.”  Graham: “Well, I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you, I was still reacting to that harsh comment you just said.”  He recovers himself enough to say “We don’t need to have this argument.”  Best news I’ve heard today!  “I wish you the best.”  But DeAnna can’t let it go, accusing Graham of “sitting here today trying to pretend it doesn’t matter.”  He says “No, it does; to see you is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.  Whatever confusion I have caused you I hope is long gone.”  As is my patience with these two.

An audience member salaciously asks DeAnna “Did anything happen between you and the guys while you were living in the mansion together?”  DeAnna reveals that Jeremy tried to sneak into her room to kiss her one night.  Also, Paul the polar pool plunger took a bubble bath in her bathtub one night while she was away.  Good times.

Chris comes back to say “No doubt you gave 100%, you expected the same from the guys, and when you didn’t get it…..”  Yes, here we are at the impromptu BBQ, because what rehash would be complete without a complete rehashing of the infamous “I want more attention” meltdown.  DeAnna says that the scene just shows that “I’m real and that it was never easy for me.”  Chris asks Sean - who is looking radiant tonight, no doubt due to skillful application of hair and facial products - if DeAnna’s behavior was justified.  Sean agrees that it was, but adds that the guys “were just trying to give her space.”  Chris rounds on DeAnna with “Do you think you expected too much?  ‘Cause after all, - it’s a bunch of dudes.”  DeAnna has to admit it is different for girls.  Ryan the 28-Year-Old-Virgin takes this as a cue to excoriate DeAnna for her “inconsistencies” between the Brad season and this.  Since his diatribe on her inconsistencies contained so many of its own, it’s really not worth going into except for the revelation of the term “OCD.”  Obsessive Compulsive DeAnna.  As in, “DeAnna, you were only interested in guys with OCD.”  The term was apparently coined during the show and left on the cutting room floor despite the fact that it’s pretty darn funny.  

After a somewhat lame montage of bloopers and other minimally amusing footage, Chris asks DeAnna “Are you happy and in love?”  Beaming, she replies “I am very happy, I am in love, and I am engaged.”  This is “breaking news.”  You just know the producers are scurrying about, planning a See-This-Show-Really-Works DeAnna and Jesse/Jason (choose one) wedding extravaganza special; hopefully for late summer or early fall, before anyone can change their mind.  

Now we take a closer look rehash at Jason and Jesse.  DeAnna reveals she started to fall in love with Jesse on the hometown date.  “He is unlike any other man that I’ve ever had a relationship with; he’s different and he makes me different.  He makes me want to be a better person.”  She first knew she was falling in love with Jason at his hometown as well.  “Jason is the whole package.  I melted when he said he was falling in love with me.”  Jason camera comments “I want to give her that fairytale ending that is really just a beginning.”

Scenes from next week’s final episode show each boy getting grilled by Daddy Pappas.  Then Jason and Jesse are both there perched awkwardly on his couch, with DeAnna in the middle.  We also see each of them get down on one knee at the final rose ceremony. 

One more question from the audience: a brave girl named Stephanie asks Fred, “the cutie in the sweater,” “How is your love life, and will you go on a date with me?”  The cutie answers that his love life is great, but it would be even better if he went on a date with her.  Nicely said!  And if it works out, the producers get to claim it as another Bachelorette success story.