Sarah Walker

 ”Are you freaking kidding me?!  You’re threatening my freaking life?  Are you freaking kidding me?!”  And so opens this week’s episode of Big Brother.  But wait a minute - what’s that thumbprint thing doing on the screen?  What?  No way!  This is The Mole?!

Yep, that’s right folks.  This is episode three of The Mole, in which Paul takes the opportunity to audition for BB 10.  He claims, however, that this is his strategy - to be so loud and obnoxious that it throws everyone else off their game.  Wow, what a dumb strategy!  Does Paul think that his fellow contestants have never been exposed to a loud obnoxious New Yorker before?  That they all just crawled out of some compound in the Utah desert after their prophet was hauled off to prison?  No, this crowd is a little more sophisticated than that.  Well, with the exception of Paul, of course.

And here to prove the point that the dumb ’strategy’ isn’t working are Nicole and Ali discussing the situation.  Nicole - Paul’s primary target at the moment - calmly states that Paul is nothing to her.  Ali isn’t freaking out over Paul’s behavior at all.  In fact, she camera comments that she thinks Nicole is the one who is completely nuts.

Next we find out that Mark, Bobby and Clay have formed a coalition, promising to share any and all information and suspicions with each other.  Does anyone else find it strange that the contestants on this show - all of them - use the term ‘coalition’ to the complete exclusion of the term ‘alliance’, which has been the term of choice to denote such a relationship since the dawn of reality TV?   Let me know your thoughts and insights.

The remaining ten contestants walk out of their hotel en masse the next morning, ’surprising’ Jon as he takes a big bite from an apple.  Jon brings up the death threats and the trust issues.  Okay, I get the death threats as perhaps worthy of a mention, but trust issues?  This game is called The Mole, dude, as in a person you can’t trust because they are secretly working against your own interests.  It’s just lame to even bring that up.  This will not get you points in the Emmy race for Best Reality Show Host.  Moving on….

Jon tells the contestants to split into two groups of five - those who can’t trust anyone and those who trust blindly.  Trust Blindly consists of Bobby, Mark, Nicole, Ali and Craig.  (If they really trust blindly, this group will probably go down in order at the next five executions).  Paul, Victoria, Kristen, Alex and Clay are the Non-Trusters.  Mark, Bobby and Clay have wisely placed themselves in both groups, to maximize information gathering.  Or maybe it just worked out that way.

The challenge is called Fruit of the Luge.  Jon shows the group a rather rickety looking steel luge course and then a very small and flimsy looking ‘luge’ on wheels, with a hand brake that looks as if it could fail on a whim.  Then he reassuringly informs the Molettes that their speed could reach 45 miles per hour.  Higher if they inadvertently launch themselves off the course into thin air.  Okay, he didn’t really say that last part but it’s probably true anyway.  The Molettes must pair into groups of two with one person coming from each crew of five.  Jon informs them that the Non-Trusters will be driving blind - wearing a “sexy, silky blindfold.”  (Handcuffs too?  I digress).  The Blind Trusters, who (not so) ironically will not be blind at all, will be guiding the blindfolded drivers as they make their way down the course.  Additionally, there will be seven signs along the way, each bearing the image of a locally grown fruit.  The Blind Trusters must call out the names of the fruit as they flash by.  If anyone makes it to the bottom alive and un-maimed, the Non-Trusters must then select the seven fruits from a plethora of produce and assemble them on a table in the correct order.  Jon further instructs the Molettes that they must not speak to each other after they cross the finish line.  Presumably they are free to thank their deity of choice. For each fruit placed correctly, 2K will be added to the pot.

Clay and Bobby are up first.  Yes, they paired up, so the fact that they initially landed in two different groups was probably just dumb luck.  Bobby moans something about the possibility of dying on the course and for once his whining has a basis in real probability.  Blindfolded Clay correctly places the first six fruits on the table.  However, the last fruit Bobby called out was ‘pear.’  There are no pears of any variety, so Clay goes with an avocado since it looks most like a pear.  This is the correct choice, but Clay becomes suspicious of Bobby over the mix-up, since Bobby is or was a restaurant manager.  However, they call Burger Kings restaurants these days, so maybe the dude really never had seen an avocado before.  Their performance should net 14K for the pot, but Bobby seemed to still be yammering about the avocado-pear after they crossed the finish line, so we’ll see.  

Blindfolded Paul and his partner Ali get five out of seven correct.  Next up are blindfolded Victoria with Craig in the back.  Victoria voice-overs that she felt so safe and comfortable leaning on Craig.  The boy is clearly built for comfort, not for speed.  They go seven for seven, but talk extensively after crossing the finish line.  Paul camera comments that he finds this fishy.  Mark and blindfolded Kristen go seven for seven.  Next are blindfolded Alex and Nicole.  On the trip down, Nicole calls out green apple twice.  It’s hard to tell if she is just doing it to make herself clear or if she is trying to throw Alex off.  At any rate, Alex places green apples in the one and two slots before arranging the rest of the fruit.  He ends up with an extra but doesn’t figure out that hey, maybe the two green apples at the front are redundant.  Or does he…. the other Molettes think something suspicious is afoot with either Alex or Nicole.  Because the second apple threw off the position of the subsequent fruits, Nicole and Alex add only 2K to the pot.  

Jon tells the excited Molettes that they placed 25 fruits correctly, which could have earned them 50K.  Could have?  That’s right - we have a problem!  Jon informs the group that both Bobby and Clay and Victoria and Craig continued to speak after they crossed the finish line.  This cuts the amount added to the pot to a mere 26K out of a possible 70K.  The pot now totals 89K.  Clay camera comments that Bobby’s behavior concerning the avocado-pear makes him wonder if he, Clay, is in a coalition with the mole.  He passes his concerns on to Mark, who shares Clay’s suspicions.  The pair (or is it an avocado?) decide to withhold new information from Bobby.

Jon has a surprise treat for the Molettes which will require that they dress in their Sunday best.  It’s a spa day!  No, that’s not suspicious - dressing to the nines to go to a spa. The Molettes thoroughly enjoy themselves on their way to slaughter.  Craig is having a blast on the water slide, which he has all to himself because once he’s gone down it, everyone else is afraid it will no longer hold. Kristen and Nicole soak and dish about Alex and the double green apples.  Hey, do two green apples make a pear?  Just wondering.  The Molettes enjoy various types of massages, but can’t seem to fully relax as their minds are spinning over the game.  Alex sums up the level of anxiety when he camera comments “You’ve got to stay on your toes.  Even when they’re rubbing them.”  Good one, Alex!  You totally have a future in recapping. 

Bobby has picked up on Mark’s distrust of him.  To get back in Mark’s good graces, Bobby shares a speculation about Paul, and it goes like this: Jon was biting into an apple yesterday when the Molettes walked out of their hotel and ’surprised’ him.  “Big Apple - New York?  Hello!!” cries Bobby triumphantly.  Paul must be the mole because he is from a town near NYC!  The Big Apple!  Bobby needs to eat an apple, or something, to get that blood sugar back up so his brain can function properly.  Mark camera comments that Bobby has flown to another planet.  

As we all know, the spa treat wasn’t going to be all beer and skittles, and the Molettes get the bad news when they attempt to get dressed again and find all their clothes missing except shoes and underwear.  Jon tells them that he has sent their clothes to the dry cleaners and they won’t be ready for awhile.  Since none of the women - obviously Kelly Clarkson fans - have worn any underwear today, Jon has cute little Mole booty shorts and tops for them.  It’s interesting that the producers sensed this need ahead of time.  For Operation Dress Code, the Molettes are asked to split into two teams of two and two teams of three.  Everyone must meet back at the restaurant Telar by 6:30 PM, and it’s already after four.  The Molettes are given cards with the address of the restaurant.  For each person who makes it on time, 5K will be added to the pot.  However, the restaurant has a strict dress code, so the women must each be clad in a two piece top and either a skirt or pants; the men must be wearing shirt, pants and a tie or they will be barred from entry.  If they are unsuccessful, not only will they not earn money for the pot, they will not eat.  Where will they get the clothes?  Well, they’re going to troll the streets in their skivvies and find generous Santiagoans who are willing to literally give them the clothes off their backs.  The Amazing Race figured out a few seasons back that sending Americans begging on the streets of a foreign country was in poor taste; I guess Mole producers are not TAR fans.

Clay opts out of the challenge, citing the preservation of his dignity as his reason.  Mark, who had been the first to whip off his spa robe, ready to show the denizens of Santiago his ripped soccer coach bod, suddenly decides to opt out as well, citing the same reasons as Clay.  This arouses the suspicions of everyone, and it does look fishy on the surface.  However, Mark is employed by a school and people on reality shows have lost their jobs over less.  Maybe he honestly did have second thoughts, once Clay got him thinking.  Plus, the guy has kids, who are probably already mortified that all their friends watched Dad get a Swedish massage on TV.  Clay is an attorney, so his opting out makes sense - especially if he was going commando and would therefore be forced to wear a black Speedo with a green thumbprint on the butt.  

One group of three consists of Kristen, Victoria and Ali, who immediately dub themselves Charlie’s Angels.  Victoria camera comments that “Kristen and I were wearing boots.  I call them ‘hooker boots’.”  Everyone calls them hooker boots, Vic.  Because hookers wear them.  This group elicits honking, shouting and marriage proposals from the male population of Santiago.  The girls quickly become despondent because none of these guys will give them clothes.  Ya think?  The first guy to do that would be subjected to multiple beatings from the rest of them.  The Angels wander into an area where a bus is unloading a large group of Catholic school boys.  Then another bus does the same.  The boys, about 50 in number, follow the Angels for several blocks before finally stopping, staring and sighing.  Catholic priests everywhere are seething with jealousy.

Alex and Paul are the one group of two.  Alex uses his fluent Spanish and charms the shirts off two smelly yet generous cab drivers.  The last group consists of Nicole, Bobby and Craig.  Craig camera comments that he and Bobby look like “a walking impersonation of the number 10.”  Another one with the gift!  Send us your stuff, dude!  We’ll put it up!  When Bobby asks for a shirt, a witty woman calls out that he doesn’t need a shirt, he needs food!  Everyone’s a comedian.  Bobby eventually gets a shirt, Nicole gets a blouse, then a skirt and finally an apron.  She uses the apron as the second piece of the required two-piece top which makes for an interesting ensemble.  

Meanwhile, the Angels are having very little luck, despite Victoria repeating a plaintive ‘Ropa, por favor’ to anyone and everyone.  The local men clearly believe the Angels are wearing quite enough ropa, and the women are generally ignoring their existence until a kind lady finally donates a sweater.  As we watch the girls work the streets of Santiago, their little outfits are growing on me. They are actually really cute.  I want one.  Hey Mole people, you need to put these outfits on your website, because I’m probably not the only one out here who could have a lot of fun with one of these.  Back in Santiago, Paul somehow manages to find a fellow New Yorker who just happens to have left some pants in a hostel a few blocks away.  Score!  As Paul and the NYC guy become BFF’s, the hostel crowd helps he and Alex find the rest of the necessary garb.  The two make their way to Telar and the bouncer guy (?) lets them in.  By the way, a telar is a loom, just in case that comes up later.  

Luck also finds the Angels.  Having made their escape from the mob district, they find three tourist guys who give them their shirts while their friend videotapes the whole encounter.  Which is good, because nobody’s ever going to believe their story when they arrive shirtless at their destination.  Victoria talks to a woman on her ’smoke break’ in front of a restaurant, and she gives them three avocados pairs of waiters’ pants.  The girls get two more sweaters and head off to Telar.  Meanwhile, Bobby and Craig’s situation is looking up as well.  Locals take them to a costume shop, but alas, nothing will fit Craig.  The locals don’t give up, however, and eventually find him some clothes.  As they make their way toward the restaurant, Craig notices a Laundromat, checks it out and sees the name ‘Alex’ on an envelope.  Sure enough, this is the place their own ropa is hidden.  The group collects everyone’s clothes and heads off to Telar in triumph.  Mark and Clay, still wearing their spa robes, slink over to the bouncer guy but he says no way.  Forty K goes into the pot, bringing it up to 129K.

Jon asks the Molettes to take out the cards he gave them at the beginning of the challenge, the ones with the restaurant address.  He points out that each card had a copyright code in Roman numerals in the bottom corner.  It reads LXXII: Dardignac - the address of the Laundromat where their clothes were held hostage.  He reminds him that the challenge was called Operation Dress Code.  Way to make the Molettes feel stupid, Jon.  Then here comes dinner so everyone’s feeling better, because it really looks delicious.  But there goes Jon, stirring up the hornet’s nest again.  He asks the group “Who’s really zoned in?”  Craig says it’s Mark.  For some reason - probably because he’s freaking crazy - this really sets off Paul.  Mark and Paul squabble and snipe, then Bobby decides he wants in.  Does it look fun to you, Bobby?  Did you not take enough abuse today out in your undies?  Anyway, Paul turns his wrath on the hapless Bobby, calling him “the biggest punk ever.”  Nicole tries to defend Bobby, causing Paul to go off on her about the death threats.  Nicole goes into super-sweet mode to needle Paul further.  Paul rounds on Mark, calling him obsessive about the game, citing his constant scribbling in his journal.  As he scribbles in his journal, Mark insists that he is not obsessive - that what Paul calls ‘obsessive,’ Mark calls ‘taking pride in what I’m doing.’    

Frustrated that he did not get a bigger rise out of Mark, Paul rounds again on Nicole, bringing up the death threats yet again.  Nicole camera comments that she plans to “kill Paul with kindness, since I can’t kill him for real.”  And here’s where I’m confused.  Why can’t she, you know, kill him for real?  What kind of a doctor is she, anyway?  Before my fabulous writing career, I was an RN and had many opportunities to observe just how skilled doctors can be at killing people, if you let them.  Now we see Paul, still alive and kicking, camera commenting that his anti-social behavior at dinner was geared to rile everyone, with the intent of throwing them off their games just before the quiz.  Again with the brilliant strategy.  Let me just say that if someone is so emotionally unstable that a loud jerk behaving badly will cause every coherent thought to fly out of their head, they should probably go home anyway, because this is not the game for them.  Again, I recommend Big Brother, where their emotional instability will be celebrated. 

It’s quiz time!  Out come the black laptops with the green thumbprints, and I imagine typing my recaps on one of those sleek machines.  Wearing my cool new thumbprint booty shorts and top, of course.  The Molettes concentrate hard on their ten questions about the Mole.  Then it’s results time, but before the Mole whacking begins, Jon makes an offer to the Molettes.  It’s pretty tempting - 20K to walk away from the game.  Although a few look ambivalent, there are no takers.  The offer is taken off the table and it’s time for the results.  Kristen and Mark are green-screened.  Victoria is next, and immediately asks Jon if it is too late to take the money.  He replies that it is too late, but Victoria is green-screened and seems glad she stayed after all.  Jon then points out that the remaining Molettes have a one in seven chance of getting Mole whacked.  He raises the offer to 30K and Ali decides to take the money and run.  She says she had a bad feeling about tonight’s quiz and that she misses her family. 

While Jon walks Ali to the waiting limo, Bobby tells the group he would never take money to walk away, even if the odds came down to he and one other person.  He says he is here to play.  Jon returns and delivers the bad news - Ali would have been safe, so their chances of being whacked are now one in six.  Alex receives a green screen.  Bobby is next and is the Mole’s victim tonight.  Good-bye, Bobby, and for heaven’s sake I hope they serve you dinner on the plane home.  By the way, Bobby is obviously not the Mole, but a cool clue could have been worked in with the pear avocado mix-up.  What do you make with avocados?  Guacamole!  Guac a MOLE y!  I know, I know, but my planet is way cooler than Bobby’s any day.