Sarah Walker

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The show opens with the two Davids clad all in white standing stock still, staring at each other as the camera does a pan-around. I think they are going for a hologram effect and we’re supposed to be shocked when Seacrest pops up between the two and announces that This. Is. American Idol. Lame, but after last night’s horrific boxing theme, I’ll take it. Seacrest seems very happy to be rid of the interloper and back to his intro duties. He tells us that last night’s vote total reached 97.5 million, smashing the AI record by 23 million votes. Holy Moly, that’s a lot of finger flying action. One David received 56% to the other’s 44%.

Let’s get a look at our judges. Randy has outdone himself in a Captain Kangaroo suit. No, not a kangaroo. It was a kid’s show back in ancient times. Paula is perfectly color coordinated with Captain Randy in a daring strapless red satin number that we all hope is well taped in place. Simon is reprising his Il Divo look of the night before.

Here’s Mikaela Gordon with David Cook’s hometown crowd in Kansas City, behaving and sounding, if not so much looking, like a young Joan Rivers. Matt Rodgers - ‘the only guy who loves being on TV more than Ryan Seacrest’ - is covering the wild and crazy Salt Lake City crowd. It’s good they put the big guy out there in SLC, you know how fast those Utahns can get out of hand.

Let’s get the party started!

The top 12 are a vision in white performing Get Ready with the So You Think You Can Dance guys. There are lots of flips, and fire at the end. Such an extravaganza, this Idol Finale.

What the hell is this? Guru Pitka? Whatever it is, at least it’s not boxing-themed - although the guru is wearing a shiny robe. Oh Lord, it’s a commercial for the new Mike Myers film The Love Guru, complete with Mini-Me. Here are the Davids enjoying a special preview of the movie. Boy, it pays to be an AI finalist! Now the Davids are with the ‘guru’ in his ashram, enduring stupid jokes at their expense. There is a priceless ‘people don’t say those things where I’m from’ look on Little David’s face. Now the Guru Pitka is on the Idol stage and the mosh-bots are stretching their arms out of their sockets in an effort to touch him. No longer do the Idols feel so special, as they realize that the mosh-bots are programmed to reach for anything with a pulse. After the guru has left, Seacrest jumps on the little rolling cushion he left behind and nearly sails right off the stage, making me very glad I resisted the urge to fast forward through the whole thing.

Syesha sings Waiting For You with Seal. It’s okay, but they each look like they wonder how they ever got stuck doing this with the other.

Here’s Jason, awake and semi-alert, and he’s going to reprise his performance of Hallelujah. I’m both pleased and apprehensive. I love, love, love Jeff Buckley and believe his recordings of this song - all of them - to be the earthly equivalent of nirvana. I literally despise everyone else’s version. Jason, however, actually didn’t suck too bad the first time around, but what will he do tonight? Well, it was okay, but what the heck was that in the second verse? Did he have a little mini-seizure? Whatever, at least it didn’t make me nauseous. Will he sing all five (from the Jeff version) verses in the Idol tour? Would they let him? If they did, would he remember them? Better just stick with the two.

The Top 12 appear in a montage of the Making of the Ford Ads to the tune of Let the Good Times Roll. There are those matador suits again. Probably the same individual behind the matador suits came up with the boxing motif. Let’s hope someone cares enough to do an intervention.

The Davids are on stage with Seacrest. Is it results time? HaHa. No, it’s time to give a Ford Escape Hybrid to each David! Wow, this is even better than the sneak preview of The Love Guru, isn’t it? Cook seems blown away. Seacrest asks Little D if he has his license. I just noticed David A is wearing a hip chain just like DC. So funny.

Here are the Top Six Girls, lookin’ hot in red and strutting around to Donna Summers’ She Works Hard For The Money with the SYTYCD dancers. And here’s Donna with her new single (?) Stamp Your Feet. Is this one of Nigel’s promised ‘big surprises?’ Just more evidence they need some new blood on the Idol bandwagon to bring this shebang into the 21st century. The performance continues with crazy camera angles and frantic cuts like the camera doesn’t know where to settle. Kind of like we’re looking through the eyes of a housefly. Seacrest is mixing it up with some of the dancers. Wow, the camera should have landed on that hot mess for awhile. Now Donna is singing her old classic Last Dance. Again people: 21st century. Come join us. Now Syesha is singing a mini duet with Donna and Paula is on her feet dancing. Sy and Paula are battling hard to see who can reveal the most cleavage without having a total wardrobe malfunction.

Seacrest declares that AI has had its share of shock departures, introducing ‘two who left before their time.’ It’s the Aussie boy and the Irish lass, of course, performing The Letter. MJ is lookin’ fly in a black suit with shiny lapels over one of Simon’s tight black tees. Carly looks a - maz - ing in a black dress covered (tastefully) with metal studs. The rest of her looks so good it forces our eyes from the tattoos. If the AI stylists had come up with anything like this look for Carly during the show, she might not have ended up as one of the ’shock departures.’

Seacrest introduces Jimmy Kimmel to provide the ‘review of season seven.’ Lame Sanjaya-was-the-valet-tonight joke. Lame Ungroomed Seacrest would look like Chris Sligh joke.

Unbelievable. My cable just went out. FYI: if you ever get the opportunity to move to way the hell out in the middle of nowhere New Mexico, and you have any love at all for the way things function in most of America, resist the urge to relocate. Well, this is why God gave us You Tube. Continuing with the recap….

It’s the Top Six Boys with a Bryan Adams medley. Oh goody, love Bryan Adams. Too bad I have to watch it on this little screen. Michael Johns opens it up with Summer of ‘69, and then someone else, oh it’s Hernandez, picks it up and I want Michael to sing the whole thing! Sadly it is not to be, but what’s this? It’s Bryan Adams himself! Cool, all the way from Canada to sing on American Idol, eh! Bryan sings what is apparently a newer song and the guys come back to finish it up with Somebody. Okay, well at least we’ve moved forward about, what, a decade from Donna at the Disco?

It’s ZZ Top with lead singer David Cook! Performing Sharp Dressed Man! He’s actually doing great up there, just the right kind of cool, obviously having fun and his voice works really well with the band. David hasn’t really gotten any credit for his guitar skills this year, but he’s good. He truly looks like a seasoned professional and this number is very entertaining. Paula is on her feet, dancing and seal clapping and terrifying the FOX censors with that dress.

Back in KC the crowd is going wild and Mikaela is having the time of her life hangin’ with Ms. Gentry, DC’s former elementary school music teacher.

I see on You Tube that Brooke White sings Teach Your Children Well with Graham Nash, but I’m not even going to click on that one because I feel like I’ve already seen it every single time Brooke took the stage this season. The Jonas Brothers clip is here, too, but I’m not twelve so feel completely unprepared to comment on their performance anyway, so moving along….

Oh! Yeah! Someone has uploaded David Cook in a Guitar Hero commercial in which he does a take on Tom Cruise in Risky Business. Find it - you won’t be disappointed.

After a video recap of the season’s worst auditions, it’s Renaldo LaPuz with the USC marching band. The show just took a turn for the weird. But, again, as long as there is absolutely no reference to boxing, I’m good.

It’s One Republic with Apologize….and there goes the cable again. We’re back pretty quick, probably just a tumbleweed. Just in time to hear Arch singing the second verse with the lead Republic-an. Very nice. Nowhere near as fun as ZZ Top, but nice.

Now it’s back to the wicked, wild world that is Salt Lake City, and David A’s hometown party crowd. Matt interviews Archie’s grandfather James, who is Jeff’s dad, then Mom’s dad Wilfredo. They are proud of Little David! Sweet!

It’s Jordin Sparks! Remember her, she won last year. American Idol, remember? She was last year’s American Idol. Yes, that Jordin! Jordin is a vision in a short gold dress. I’m pretty sure it’s a Belle costume, you know, from Beauty and the Beast. Little girls wear them at Disney World and at Halloween. The song is super-lame, and the choreography is just dreadful. Jordin periodically flutter steps across the stage, a move which somehow coordinates with the lyrics but has the effect of furthering the Disney Princess imagery. There’s Blake Lewis in the audience; remember him, runner up to Jordin? He’s watching this debacle, thankful to have avoided the Idol transformation if this is the result. Much better to have no career at all, isn’t it, Blake?

Okay, at this point in the show the bratty little kid in all of us is screaming ‘Are we there yet?!’

No, we’re not. Seacrest introduces a spoof about Gladys Knight auditioning for Pips, and we just know this is going to be more torture. But it’s not! It’s funny! Here’s Ms. Knight herself, and the auditioning pips are Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey, Jr. ‘performing’ Midnight Train to Georgia. Jack Black is the standout of the group; his facial expressions are priceless. Finally, a joke that actually succeeded.

Fresh from her second ACMA it’s Carrie Underwood, looking great in a short white dress with a wedding veil attached to her wrists. Carrie performs Last Name. It’s a hot song and a hotter performance. She’s come a long way from the timidity of her Idol days. Blame it on the Cuervo.

Oh, no. Now Little David is doing the Tom Cruise Guitar Hero thing. The hottie and the nottie, what else can I say. His twelve year old fan base will love it, but really, should they?

Here are the Top Six Girls again, in black this time, with George Michaels’ Faith. Amanda looks extremely grateful to have just missed the tour. She’s really not into this. The Top Six Boys come out in black suits and join the girls with Father Figure. I’m sensing a George Michael appearance at any moment. Now all twelve are singing Freedom and - psychic! - here’s George! This brings Paula back to her feet, dancing and seal clapping, which of course brings the censors back to attention. George looks great except why is he wearing safety glasses? Did he come straight over from wood shop? Now George is singing a lovely new song that moves Paula to tears. Is it the emotion of the song, or the fact that although Paula and George began in the same era, only George still has a singing career? This is a nice song; don’t know the name of it but it’s a safe bet the word ‘Time’ is in the title.

Are we there yet?! Almost, kiddies. Seacrest takes the stage to promise that the next American Idol will be crowned after this very commercial break!

Oh but first we must endure the judges’ final thoughts. Randy: “Great season seven….you guys brought it down….one of the strongest seasons ever….so proud you guys are standing there….you’re both winners, baby, both!” Enlightening - thank you, Captain K. Paula: “honored and proud….you two are amazing….it is odd this is called a finale when this is the beginning of your careers.” Simon: “I congratulate both of you….watched the show back last night and it wasn’t quite so clear cut as we called it….I apologize (!) to David Cook because I think I was verging on disrespectful to you and I don’t think you deserve that….what I like about both of you is that you are tryers; you’ve both given it your best, you’re both very nice people and for the first time ever I don’t care who wins.”

Here comes the fancy, certified envelope and DAVID COOK wins by 12 million votes!

Simon has called him smug, so have others in the press, and I never bought it for a minute. I think David’s quiet confidence was misread. He knew his worth, and props to him for not pulling an ‘aw shucks’ move all season. David Cook was also the only - only - contestant this season to acknowledge the band every single time (I watched for it) he performed, before the judges’ comments. And think about what he was going through in his personal life concerning his brother. The AC tribute on his guitar was subtle and meaningful; never once did David play the sympathy card, as we have seen others do so often and for much less reason, even when the worry-induced stress landed him in the hospital.

And tonight David Cook proved again what a class act he is. He was the most humble winner AI has ever seen; as Seacrest announced his name, Cook gave Little David a big hug and applauded him. DC teared up a bit but held it together. When Seacrest asked for his thoughts; he replied that for a ‘word nerd’ he was at a loss for words. David’s mom and brother joined him on stage, then it was time to sing the Idol Songwriting Contest winning number Time Of My Life. He did a great job, gave Little D another big hug during the performance, and looked truly pleased to have won. He deserved the win; what he doesn’t deserve is to be melted down and poured into the Idol mold, only to emerge as a Disney character at next year’s finale results show. Let’s hope that everyone involved has the sense know a good thing when they see it and to let David become the artist he is destined to become.