The most dramatic season yet!

The most amazing season premiere ever!

A fairy tale ending!

Okay let’s cut through the ABC hype as funneled through the mouthpiece that is Chris Harrison.
Here’s why this is going to be a great season of The Bachelorette: DeAnna just won’t take any crap from these guys. You know she won’t, because she never did from Brad. She’s a straight shooter; no simpering, cooing, or school girl giggles from this girl. She’ll call a spade a spade; more specifically - a tool a tool. The truth may set you free, but it makes for great TV!

First of course we have to go back through the wringer that was the Brad Womack season, through the Brad ‘n DeAnna dates, the torturous ending and the cringe-ful After the Final Rose show. The outcome broke DeAnna’s heart; it broke her friends’ and family’s hearts; heck, it even broke America’s heart, so we’re told.

Okay, can we please let that dog lie now? Let’s meet the bachelors! According to Chris Harrison, the show received phone calls and letters from all over the world from guys demanding to have a chance to meet DeAnna. (If I were DeAnna, I’d demand to see those letters and maybe have an FBI profiler give them a look-see as well).

Before the first limo arrives, we are treated to a montage of the eligible guys. We have a self-described ‘handsome geek,’ a martial arts master, a divorced barbershop owner, and an oyster farmer. They farm those things? I thought they just scraped them up from under some nasty rocks. Who says TV isn’t educational?

Next up is a quick tutorial in hair gel application from one of guys. He can take up to 10 minutes to get it just right. Next! Some guy who describes DeAnna as his ‘unicorn.’ Never heard that one before. Here’s Ryan, the 28-year-old virgin pro-football player who doesn’t cuss. Now things are getting interesting. Next is a single dad and a math teacher whose mom is thrilled he has ‘a shot’ at DeAnna.
Finally, here come the limos. The guys are trashing Brad for being a big idiot. Too easy, and I get the feeling we’re going to hear a lot more of this.

Here’s DeAnna standing on the same spot Brad stood when they met so long-in-TV-time ago. She is dressed in a dangerously low cut sparkly gold gown. A wide-angle shot reveals that most of the gown’s material is draped around her feet. Kind of like it’s melting.

The first limo must be caught in traffic, because here’s Chris Harrison for more chit chat. To sum it up: Brad = learning experience, DeAnna believes she can find love on the show (why else would she be here?), Everything Happens for a Reason. DeAnna fully expects to find her husband here. There, I just saved you five minutes of your life.

What is DeAnna looking for? A good first impression, butterflies, a caring man who loves his family, respects her and makes her laugh, someone who won’t get lost in the crowd. First and foremost, someone who knows what they want. Ha Ha – I get it! It’s another Brad reference, ‘cause, like, Brad didn’t know what he wanted! Let. It. Go.

In a quick preview as we go to commercial, we see a little more of the bachelors and here’s a big, tatted up guy who rips off – literally, rips – his shirt and howls like a wolf! Is he one of the letter senders? We can’t wait to meet him.

Back from the break, DeAnna announces that “25 of my boyfriends are fixin’ to show up.” And finally, here come the limos:

First out is Brian, a Texas high school football coach. Next is Paul, a sales manager; Graham, a pro-basketball player; Sean, the aforementioned martial arts master; Rich, the ‘handsome geek’ science teacher who plays the geek card immediately, telling DeAnna he wants to share campfire stories with her and that he is happy about not tripping (Campfire stories? Really? Oh, Rich, honey, you are tripping).

Next out is Jason the single dad, who tells DeAnna he has traveled to Greece quite a bit but neglects to mention the diaper bags he carried with him. Following Jason are Spero the actor; Jesse the pro-snowboarder wearing a jacket made out of one of those velvet paintings they sell on street corners; Jon the resort manager who has done an outstanding job with his hair gel tonight; Chris the medical sales rep who takes in DeAnna’s ensemble and comments “Awesome! Bling-Bling!” which should earn him an instant trip back into the limo.

As the second limo pulls up, we get a look ‘n listen at the guys already in the mansion, who are all commenting how fast their hearts are beating, which we hope is not some crass euphemism. Out of the limo steps Brian the network consultant; Jeffrey the art teacher; Donato the sales rep, all quite boring. Oh goody, here’s Jason the 28-year old virgin who tells DeAnna there are two things that will differentiate him from the other guys. Our mouths drop open. “You won’t ever catch me without a smile, and I’m very strong in my faith.” Darn. Another Great TV Moment opportunity wasted. Last but not (or maybe) least is Twilley, the debt manager who has a real first name but for some unexplained reason people call him Twilley. He looks like he may have some personality potential.

We’re rolling now! Chris Harrison is nowhere in sight and here comes the third limo. Out steps Ron the divorced barber shop owner who leaves his coat in the car and inexplicably states that “we’re going to stay a little chilly tonight.” We wonder if that is a line, and if so, has it ever worked for him? Next is Patrick C. the financial analyst; here’s Luke the oyster farmer - with the line of the night! DeAnna asks him to tell her something funny and he says “You look great.” DeAnna is clearly baffled, Luke is clearly abashed and we’re praying he gets a rose tonight because we just know there’s more where that came from. Robert the chef rounds out the third group, he and DeAnna salsa for a moment but who cares, we’re still reeling from Luke’s unintentional humor.

Just five guys left in the fourth limo. Chandler the insurance rep who is “diggin’ on” DeAnna’s southern accent and needs to be sent home now for using the phrase “diggin’ on.” Greg the personal trainer tells DeAnna she looks like she’s been working out to which she replies, “No, I always look this good.” Love this girl. Fred the Chicago lawyer gives DeAnna a (Chicago) Bear hug and promises her more of the same if she gets overwhelmed later. We kinda like him. Next is Patrick D. the internet marketer followed by Jeremy the real estate attorney. Jeremy tells DeAnna that he is from Dallas Texas, not Austin. Get it? Austin? Where Brad is from? Enough, people.

The limos are empty and Chris Harrison swoops in for some initial impressions from DeAnna. Chit chat, chit chat. Okay, this is interesting: there are three first impression roses this time. DeAnna gives the first one out almost immediately to Jeremy from Dallas-not-Austin. We are perplexed, but chalk it up to being overwhelmed.

And here we are at the big cocktail party, where there is the usual schmoozing, impressing and stealing one on one time. Ryan the 28-year-old virgin/pro-football player goes for it (by which we mean platonic one on one time, of course!) right away. Jason incurs a penalty, however, when he neglects to offer his jacket to the shivering DeAnna and then proceeds to hog most of the blanket she pulls out. Spero the actor/opportunist, spying watching from the window runs out to offer his jacket to DeAnna. Chivalrous gentleman…. or tool? You decide.

Chef Robert goes off to whip up a little something in the kitchen to impress DeAnna, and anybody who happens to be watching. Oyster farmer Luke is getting a little one on one, during which he presents DeAnna with a pearl pendant made from the product of one of his herd. Luke helps her put it on – his suggestion. She loves it! But, next time we see her, it’s gone. Must have fallen off, faulty clasp or something, what a shame.

Meanwhile, Chef Robert has finished preparing a Dungeness crab martini for his lady. To the camera, he remarks that he may not be a master in the art of seduction, but he’s working on his degree. We feel a degree of nausea. Meanwhile, Donato is getting drunk. Someone has to, after all, or it wouldn’t be the bachelor(ette). We note with relief that DeAnna has no pockets into which someone could tuck his underwear.

Chris Harrison then brings out Jenni, who you will remember was the third participant in the Brad and the Final Rose debacle. She is here to help her comrade-in-rejection cull the herd tonight. The two girls admire Jenni’s engagement ring (To refresh: after Brad dumped her, Jenni fell back in love with her old boyfriend – when he picked her up at the airport upon her return from the show! Re-Bound! But it’s a really big engagement ring, so it’s all good). Next, DeAnna and Jenni diss Brad some more. E - oh I give up.

Jenni whips out pen and notebook and proceeds to interview the guys. Do you have kids? Do you want kids? How many? Have you ever cheated? Convicted felon? One of these idiots asks Jenni to sit in his lap. There really are no words.

Meanwhile, back at the party, Richard “handsome geek” science teacher has a surprise gift for DeAnna. It’s a quartz crystal from his native Mohawk Valley known as a Herkimer diamond. Herkimer sounds like the name of a cartoon nerd.

Eric is using his one on one time to play the Greek card – with a thud. He grew up in Greece, most of his family is still in Greece, he speaks fluent Greek, he’s very close to his Greek mom who wants him to marry a Greek girl and is already planning his big fat Greek wedding. No one, and I mean no one on this show has any appreciation for subtlety.

Which segues nicely to Sean, the marshal arts master. DeAnna has been enjoying (no, really!) her time with Jesse the pro-snowboarder and they have been conversing about his velvet painting jacket. Sean busts in and grabs up Jesse, who is no small dude, turns him around and plants a plastic cup with a lemon on it squarely atop Jesse’s head. Sean is planning to knock the lemon from its perch with some tricky backward kick. Jesse is understandably very nervous, undoubtedly more so because of the slight slur that has developed in Sean’s speech over the course of the evening. Apparently Jesse is just drunk enough himself to let things proceed, and Sean impressively whacks the lemon across the room with his right foot, no paramedics necessary. DeAnna camera comments “Weird, but it caught my attention.”

Jenni shares her notes with DeAnna, suggesting Graham, Jesse and Jason as worthy recipients of the final two first impression roses. DeAnna gives one to Jesse the snowboarder for his “great personality.” He really deserved it for “not crying like a girl” when Sean flung his foot at his head.

Greg the personal trainer, hangin’ with DeAnna and a few of the guys, refers to himself in the third person, and declares he has “no f***in’ tattoos,” (and yes, he said it without the asterisks). We know he’s lying because we’ve seen the wolf howl preview. Please, please, please get a rose! As the night continues its downward slide, the chaff is sinking fast.

Chandler, who is continuing to “dig on” anything and everything, whips out a duck call. He then demonstrates his formidable duck calling skill, which (don’t ask me how I know) really just involves blowing through the thing hard enough to make a sound. Why isn’t DeAnna off and running for that third rose? Not to be outdone, Brian yanks up his shirt and demands that DeAnna feel his abs. Not taking hesitation for an answer, he grabs her nearest hand and slaps it right on those puppies. Not content to just play out the rope for Brian to hang himself with, Chandler begins wildly blowing the duck call to bring DeAnna’s attention back to him, and the fact that he’s clearly insane.

And since we’re already on the subject of mental instability anyway, let’s go to Paul. Sensing the rapid approach of the rose ceremony and desperate to prove himself worthy, Paul takes off his jacket and throws his crazy ass self into the freezing cold pool. As he strips in the water, he repeatedly begs for the third rose. Finally, he’s down to his black Speedo, in which he (thank you) turns his back to reveal DeAnna’s name printed in white on the back. No lie. DeAnna’s priceless comment: “Good Lord, my name is on the back of this boy’s booty.” Love her. DeAnna hands Paul….nope, not the third rose, his jacket. Now he’s dressed in nothing but a black Speedo and a dress jacket. It’s really good he has that jacket; in case he does get the remaining rose, DeAnna will need somewhere to pin it.

As Paul stands there dripping, Brian flexing and Chandler quacking, DeAnna retrieves the coveted rose from its tray and pins it on Richard the handsome geek Herkimer diamond giver. Guess a diamond, even a fake one with a nerdy name, trumps a personalized black Speedo any day of the week.

Chris Harrison glass-taps the end of the party and DeAnna is off to the deliberation room. As we cut to commercial, the voice over teases “who will get a rose and who will lose their chance at love – forever.” Lose their chance at love – forever? Really? Yeah, really, because these guys have made such asses of themselves on national TV they have rendered themselves virtually undateable.
Chit chat with Chris Harrison in the deliberation room. The very spot where He Who Must No Longer Be Named stood and deliberated about DeAnna. High drama. Chris and DeAnna dish about some of the more, um, memorable guys. DeAnna gazes at the photos and says she could find the man of her dreams. Chris breaths a heartfelt “I hope so.” Of course you do, Chris. Things haven’t been working out so well for these couples, have they? And you like your job.

Here we are at the rose ceremony. DeAnna thanks everyone for being here and the heart stomping begins. Jeremy, Richard and Jesse are already safe with their first impression roses safely pinned to their lapels. Chris Harrison does the math – presumably for the benefit of Luke the Oyster Farmer and Sean the martial arts master: 15 roses minus 3 already given away leaves 12. Take 12 from 25 and 10 of you are going home. Thank you, Professor Harrison. We’re lost without you.

DeAnna chooses Ron the divorced barbershop owner; Graham the pro-basketball player and a Jenni fave; Eric the Greek, who asks DeAnna not to hurt him as she pins on the rose; Robert the crab martini chef; Sean the lemon kicker; Brian and his six-pack; Chris the “awesome bling bling” speaker; after these last few we realize that either DeAnna has much poorer taste in men than we gave her credit for or the editing was really skewed to the negative. The last of the roses go to Paul the pool plunger; Fred the Bear hugger; Twilley with the promising personality; Jason the single dad. Chris Harrison arrives to explain helpfully that the one remaining rose on the tray is, in fact, the final rose of the evening; it goes to Ryan the Texas high school football coach.

We bid sad on-camera adieus to Luke the oyster farmer, Spero the actor, and Chandler the duck caller, who laments the blown opportunity and begins to cry. We resist the urge to quack up. Finally - it’s the wolf howler, none other than Greg the personal trainer who takes the opportunity of losing his chance with DeAnna to audition for the WWE. He declares himself a ‘prince among men’ and promises to ‘rise from the ashes’ before ripping his shirt down the front to reveal ‘what DeAnna is missing out on,’ ie, a lot of inked up muscle. Here comes the howl and it turns out I’ve been wrong all along, it’s really a coyote howl. Just wait until DeAnna watches the show back; she’ll be kicking herself over this one.

In a look at things to come, we discover that the guys will be living in a bunkhouse with outdoor showers. To drive home the point, there’s a naked guy showering outside. Three guys at a time will earn the right to live up at the mansion with DeAnna. Preview scenes indicate there is lots of drama in store. Just no ducks.