Sarah Walker

We swing from Loser Lane - Ramiele, KLC, Michael Johns, Carly and Brooke - to our favorite judge Andrew Lloyd Webber!  We hope he’ll get to comment tonight, because presumably he isn’t receiving script from Nigel. 

Ryan Seacrest declares that it’s a party atmosphere here tonight.  As if to illustrate the point, he makes a comment about one of the judges needing an extra button up top, since this is a G-rated show.  We’re not sure if he’s addressing Paula or Simon.  He goes on to say that it’s distracting Randy, and we’re still not certain.   Now we cut to a shot of David Hernandez and Chikezie, who are seated together, apart from the rest of the also-rans.  Party atmosphere indeed!

Next is the always dreadful group sing: Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now.  The idols seem to be gritting their teeth less than usual tonight, presumably reveling in the fact that win or lose, this is their last group sing.  Guys, the tour!  Remember?  You’re contractually obligated to do this like five hundred more times!   Anyway, apparently AI has borrowed Gladys Knight’s coreographer and our top three are doing their best pip impressions.  Two nights in a row David A is trying to ditch his white boy image!

Now it’s the Ford ad, in which our top three visit a fortune teller.  Apparently Syesha’s future includes life in a mansion with a two-story wall of platinum records and - nice touch Ford ad producer! - a large painting of herself.  Little David’s going to play a grand piano outdoors in his lavish backyard next to a swimming pool with his image covering the bottom.  David C has lots of cars in his future, all of them compact Fords.   

Now it’s time for scenes from last night.  Did anyone else note that Randy told Syesha that he’s “so glad you’re peaking at the right time.  There you are, number three.”  Dawg, one song into the show, no one’s dialed yet (well, the stupid ones have but it doesn’t count) - and you’re calling Syesha “number three?”  Thought I heard it last night but I was too sick to TiVo, but there it was again tonight.  This is a weird season.  All the rest of the recap was boring except it was fun to see Little David’s spider web shirt with the mirror image superheroes again. 

Five seconds into Fantasia’s guest appearance and we are reminded what charisma is all about.  Syesha, we hope you took notes: that’s how to work a stage, no chair needed.   With the performance almost over, we get a look at Simon’s open-mouthed expression, which is unreadable but priceless nonetheless.  Fantasia tells Seacrest that she’s working on an album and ready to get back on stage, missing her music right now after her stint on Broadway.

Seacrest asks “can we start the drama now.”  Oh yes Ryan , please.  Lights go down and David A is turned loose from backstage.  We head to Murray, Utah where Little D is mobbed by the high school cheerleaders.  The 8 - 12 year old crowd is in a froth, clad in I Vote for David Archuleta t-shirts.  This is the whitest crowd in crowd history.  David cries; he can’t believe how many people came out and they appreciate his hard work and it makes it all worthwhile.  He arrives at his high school upon which a ginormous banner bearing his image is displayed.  David cries; his mother appears to fan him but she does it in that “I’m not worthy” bowing manner so to be honest, I’m not sure what she’s doing.  Mayor Snarr declares May 9th David Archuleta Day in Murray City, Utah.  David cries, then sings “Imagine” for the crowd (imagine that!) as Halloween Murray HS color balloons are released. 

We return to the Idol stage and David declares the tape “embarrassing with all that crying.”  Seacrest recaps the judge’s comments from last night and asks Little D what was the biggest obstacle this week.  He replies that it was learning three songs.  Hey, that’s Jason’s line!  Oh wait, he’s not here.  But really, was Jason ever, you know, here?  Okay, back to the stage and we see David’s goodbye tape because, as Seacrest lies, this is a close race and we may be saying goodbye to David tonight.  Mmm-hmm, sure.  Lots of Archudorable footage and we’re done with him for now.

Next out is Syesha.  No KLC glitter top tonight, so she’s obviously clinging to hope.  We’re off with Sy to Sarasota and Bradenton, Fla.  Here’s a mom shoving her baby into Syesha’s arms for a photo op.  Here’s Syesha saying “this is crazy; people are throwing their babies at me.”  Yeah!  Why does this surprise you, Sy?  They want you to teach their tots that really cool baby cry of yours! 

A Manatee County Commissioner declares this Syesha Mercado Day.  Wow, David A got a mayor.  The AI producers have a long reach.  We meet mom and dad.  Dad declares that he has overcome a drug problem, and that going through the AI experience with Syesha is better than drugs.  At Booker HS Sy tells the current students that “dreams come true, anything is possible - just make it happen!”  Did you see that guy in the white t-shirt with his hand in his chin?  Yeah, he was soakin’ this up.  Hey dude, at least you’re missing class for this! 

Now we’re in a helicopter with Sy, flying high abover her zillions of fans standing among the palms.   Oh, now we get a mayor!  A crazy-ass mayor!  The mayor of Sarasota, who is well into AARP eligibility, says something pro-Syesha and proceeds to do a handstand for the crowd.  Now it’s Syesha’s turn to cry on camera, and we’re not entirely sure whether she’s overwhelmed by the outpouring of love she’s experienced today or if she’s still frightened by the acrobatic mayor. 

Back at the Idol stage Seacrest recaps Syesha’s producers  judges comments from last night, followed by Syesha’s journey/goodbye video.  On the tape, Syesha declares that she “wants to share her gift with the world” as Fantasia’s “Believe” plays in the background.   Yes, one of the songs Syesha got crucified for attempting on the show.  Were the producers going for irony or cruelty?  You decide.

With David A and Syesha seated on the Sofa of Purgatory, Seacrest calls out David C.  We learn for the first time that David traveled to the Omaha audition as moral support for his auditioning younger brother, but somehow ended up auditioning himself.  Little bro is brought on stage as if to verify the story.  Here we go to Cookster’s home town of  - Kansas City?!  No way!  Show us Blue Springs!  Anyway, there’s the Cookster on the local FOX affiliate, then we’re downtown for a concert where DC is clearly surprised at the large turnout.  We visit his elementary school to surprise his music teacher, and here’s a school picture of Little Cookster, pre-combover. 

Finally here we are in Blue Springs!  And it doesn’t disappoint.  Here’s a kid along the parade route dressed as - Colonel Sanders?  Please tell me what the heck this has to do with David Cook, American Idol or anything relevant to the world in general.  Now it’s David’s turn to tear up.  Again, we wonder - is it the fact that all of Blue Springs turned up for this nifty parade, or did he see the Colonel and despair for the youth of today?  Well, turn that frown upside down, David C!  No handstanding mayor for you, Cookster!  None other than Missouri State Representative Brian Yates is here to declare David Cook Day -not just for Blue Springs, not just for KC - but for the whole freakin’ state of Missouri!  You’ve got this thing in the bag, dude!  Let’s hear it for the next American Idol!

Back on stage, Seacrest recaps David’s judge comments from last night which is totally boring except when Seacrest inexplicably confuses Roberta Flack with Chaka Khan.  Cookster goodbye tape follows: he tried out on a whim, got this far, got to think there is something bigger going on here.  Live show, running out of time….

Here come the results.  No, really this time.  Oops, looks like we’re actually running a little short.  Terrified that Syesha might have time to sing her entire swan song, the producers give the drag it out signal to Seacrest.  Let’s have some thoughts from the judges!  Randy - “give yourselves a round of applause.”  No, not literally, guys!  Paula - “You are all standing in the path of great things to come, life is made of moments, so create moments that last forever, and if you’re lucky the world will watch, and the world will remember every single one of you….”  Paula!  Enough!  We’re running just a little short.  Simon - “I like all three of you but if it’s the final I’m hoping for we’re going to have a real humdinger.”  “Hoping for” or “helping to create?”  Whatever.

“After 56 million votes” intones Seacrest over the dramatic results music, and the idols clutch hands.  David A is declared safe first, looking stunned as ever.   And it’s a David-David finale!  Syesha thanks her fans and reprises her Alicia  song as her video journey plays in the background.  Meanwhile David C supports Little David on his weak-kneed journey to the Safety Sofa.  Off-camera the producers are kicking themselves for cutting Paula short.  Syesha has time for her entire song.